Seven Years

Seven years...
A lot has happened and much has changed in my life since October 22 2007, but one thing remains. Clear and fresh as a mountain spring, my memories of that day still percolate through the passages of my mind.

Somehow the further down this road I go, the closer I get to where I began. As fall comes blowing in, pushing summer aside, so the memory of my precious little ones fills my consciousness pushing everything else out. This is what October has come to be in my life, a time of profound remembrance.

But the memories are more forceful this year. Pushing their way in and taking me back in time. Back to that fateful day. Try as I might I cannot avoid the mental journey and all of it's attendant pain.

All the feelings of that day play back in HD inside. As many times as I have spoken of it to others in different settings, it still raises the emotions fresh as if it were today. Holding my tiny premature son Ammon in my hand. Watching. Wishing. All the while knowing. All I could do was watch and wait. Watch as the life slowly but steadily drained from him. Wait for that inevitable moment.

Then to compound the pain another play begins to show on this stage in my mind. 3 years pass and I am to play the bitter role again. The same tiny body. The same hopeless prognosis. My beautiful daughter, Abish slowly exiting the stage of this life after such a short an unexpected performance. Life isn't fair... (I know... nobody said it would be).

So what am I to do? What I do every year when the cold wind of October begins to blow. Embrace it. Pain is part of life. How can we know joy lest we first know pain? And for all the October pain, I also have Joy. I have the joy of my other amazing children. It's been said that the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I have no clue what that really means. But I do know that for all that I have lost, I have also gained so very much!
Our little family has been blessed with 2 more sons. Andrew, our oldest, is one year older than Ammon. Aaron is one year older than Abish. They are each amazing and each in his own unique way.

Andy is such a caring and generous heart. He cannot hear of someone in need and not offer to help. Perhaps it is the same memory of loss that drives him. And then there is Aaron. What can I say about sweet Aaron. Always smiling and laughing. He lights up our home with his endless antics.

And then there are our newer additions. Adopted and sealed to our family one year ago on October 22 and 25. Abigail and Aiden were our first foster children. They came into our home and changed everything again.

 And so life goes on. We continue to honor the memory of our "Angels" through opening our home to foster children. Each little one that passes through our home touches us in a new way. To each we offer the love we know they need. Love we we know we have to give because of the experiences we have shared together.

October will be gone soon. Fall will slide into winter and then into spring. The memories of October, however, are always there. Reminding. Building. Pushing Me to be a little more. A little better. My loss will always be there... to show me all that I have gained. And to point me toward tomorrow.